Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
