my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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