Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
