I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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