if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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