M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
