Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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