I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
