I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
