so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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