"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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