I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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