I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
