I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
