i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
