I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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