was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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