she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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