You don't have asthma, your pregnant
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
