Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize