I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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