Everything about him screamed your future.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
