Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
