She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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