i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
