I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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