we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
