Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
