i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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