My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
