Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize