I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
