Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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