it was like a zeppelin in a condom
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
