Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
