i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
