it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
