the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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