I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
