i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
