you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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