Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
