The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I want to be your penis for a week.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize