Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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