I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize