So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
