So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
