Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize