Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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