I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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