I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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