i need an iv and a liver transplant
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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