I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm way too hungover for life right now
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
