i jhust puked up my retainher.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize