sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
