You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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