Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
