Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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