You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
