I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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